..the longer the journey seems to be...

Assalamualaikum and peace be upon you…

“Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment.”

Lao Tzu

“The One True Master tasketh not a soul beyond its scope. For it (is only) that which it hath earned, and against it (only) that which it hath deserved. Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget, or miss the mark! Our Lord! Lay not on us such a burden as thou didst lay on those before us! Our Lord! Impose not on us that which we have not the strength to bear! Pardon us, absolve us and have mercy on us, Thou, our Protector, and give us victory over the disbelieving folk.”
02:286 – Book of Bovis: Scripture of Truths

“Those who avoid enormities of sin and abominations, save the unwilled offences - (for them) lo! thy Lord is of vast mercy. He is Best Aware of you (from the time) when He created you from the earth, and when ye were hidden in the bellies of your mothers. Therefore ascribe not purity unto yourselves. He is Best Aware of him who wardeth off (evil).”
53:32 – Book of Astrum: Scripture of Truths

The Demon sat with and arm resting on a folded leg. His eyes reach the horizon, and oddly, beyond. The view from this lowest peak of Perspicientia brings lots of serenity and calmness to the troubled heart – making every thorn and promontory that lacerates the rotting flesh within worth while. Making every drop of colorless blood that seep unseeingly seemed to have value – a value that can only be bartered with the coins of haven.

The journey is still long for the Glorified Child of Agnus, but, for this leg of the path from the kingdom of Aetas to the kingdom of Naturae, the Demon need to rest. He needs to sip the bitter wine of Meastitia, eat the cankering meat of Peccarae.

The journey is still long for the Demon, but the travel has so far sipped much of his Magnanimitas…


‘Twas the Day of the Sun, 18th dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus.

The Demon lay inanimately on the floor of his Cave of Adumbration save for the the motion of his pain laden chest – struggling for a breath of haven. Colorless blood gushing from the mortiferous laceration caused by Cupid’s arrow. What was once intended as a sweet scratch of amity has turned to enmity.

Shades of light slowly turns to shadows…

The Demon can only wonder if he could ever again see the shimmering cape of Apollo nurturing the roses of Aetas or the beauty of Diana soothing the crying children of Gaia in the absence of Apollo.

Then darkness takes the throne of light from the Demon’s eyes…


Twas the time where the shadow has long past the pole,
Day of the Mundane, 19th dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus

The Demon opened his hollowed eyes. The light that once sooths now seemed to sear. With what might he has left, he tries to pull his weak carcass up. Yes, he is left as a living carcass by the wounds caused by the enchanted war due to cupid’s error in judgement. The deathtifying mantras and chants of the Princess have chase the unseen binders of the Demon’s diminishing soul.

With a weak grip on his broken sword of faith, he walks staggeringly. He knows not where to head nor where to stop. Colorless blood still streaming down from his wounds. He calls for the Regents and the Mamak Bendahara and the Jester and the the King but none heeded his calls. They were not to blame. The Charm of Anti Tristia embeded in his temple prevents them form hearing him.

He could only continue to walk staggeringly to the unknown pathways made by the One True Master…


Day of the Terrible, 20th dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus

The Glorified Child of Agnus continues to stagger. He is growing weaker and weaker. The vultures of apostasy hover eagerly above his head. Fear seeps into the Demon’s heart.

Fear that has long been forgotten…


Day of the Weakening, 21st dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus

“Elphay Emay! Elphay Emay! Elphay…emay…” the Demon cries weakly “My liege! Vouchsafe unto me steadfastness and make me die as men who have surrendered unto Thee…”


Twas the time when Apollo and Diana dance,
Days of the Diminution and Ecclesiastical,
22nd - 23rd dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus

In his weakened state he kneeled. With one trembling hand gripping hard on the holder of his broken Sword of Broken Faith and the other trying to stop the blood streaming slowly down to his feet, head bowed in total surrender, the Demon prayed…

“O One True Master!
Thou knowest that which I keep secret
that which I disclose,
Grant me Thy pardon,
Thou knowest that which is in my breast;
forgive me my sins.”

“O One True Master!
I seek from Thee a faith that will saturate my heart,
True conviction that will make me realize,
that naught can befall me except what Thou hast decreed for me,
contentment in whatever Thou hast given me.
Thou art my patron in this world and the Hereafter.
Allow me to die among the righteous.”

“O One True Master!
Let not any of my worries undispelled,
Let all my tasks be made easy,
my mind relieved,
my heart illuminated.”

“Thee do I serve, and Thine aid I seek,
Shine me the straight path,
The way of those on whom Thou hast bestowed Thy Grace,
those whose (portion) is not wrath,
and who go not astray”


Day of the Blithed, 24th dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus.

‘Tis the day where the Demon reached the foot of Perspicientia, unintended and unplanned but with much gratefulness. With much hardship he climbs the jagged walls of the Perspicientia. His strength allows him to the lowest summit.

Serenity and calmness once more came into his sordid existence…

The journey is still long for the Glorified Child of Agnus, but, for this leg of the path from the kingdom of Aetas to the kingdom of Naturae, the Demon need to rest. He needs to sip the bitter wine of Meastitia, eat the cankering meat of Peccarae.

‘Twas time when serenity and calmness once more visits the troubled brimstone citadel of the Demon’s heart to this day, the Day of Diminution, 29th dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus.

‘Tis the tale of the Demon.

...the more i will make you laugh...

Assalamualaikum and peace be upon you…

“Love hurts…”
Queen

Day of the Sun,
18th dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus…

Cupid’s arrow struck deeper than it has been foretell, too deep. What was meant as benign mark has turned into mortiferous laceration. The Demon can only lay motionlessly down in defeat – defeated by the blows of the Draco named Life…

There are no more roses as shine has turned into scorch…

There is melody is no more as rain has turned into hail…

There is no more…

There is no more…

19th dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus…
The day the Demon’s heart is broken asunder…

...the lower my head will bow...

Assalamualaikum and peace be upon you…

Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.
Henry Ward Beecher

Reason is our soul's left hand, Faith her right.
John Donne

He who has faith has... an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well - even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly.
B. C. Forbes

The Demon falls to his knees…

The Sword of Destiny has been swung. The demon can only watch as the glittering blade draws near, knowing not what will be of him. “One True Master…” he prayed, “elphay emay….”.

With arms wide opened, face directed to foot of the Throne of Haven, the glorified child of Agnus abdicate his fate to the Wielder of the Sword of Destiny. Salty drops of sadness seeping from the side of the Demon have blackened eyes. In his subdued state, he felt an odd sense of warmth – the warmth of love…

He opened his blackened eyes and saw the most beautiful of sights. There, by the foot of Haven’s Throne, adored by the nubes, hovers Diana – the mass that lights the absence of Apollo. The radiance of her beauty stops the incoming blade of the Sword of Destiny…

Twas the time when the pious bowed,
Day of Ecclesiastical,
16th dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus…

As if haven and hell have both heard his prayers, the Princess has disclaimed the Consigno Adoris sacrifice. Serenity and calmness once more visit the troubled brimstone citadel of the Demon’s heart. Love that has turned into hatred has once more become love.

In the twilight that follows the time when the Demon slained the beasts that menaced the child of Artemis and Hermes with the Blade of Candor, stood the Demon blanketed by the coldness of the night. He opened his blackened eyes and saw the most beautiful sight. There, by the foot of Haven’s Throne, adored by the nubes, hovers Diana – the mass that lights the absence of Apollo…

The sight of Diana made him kneeled to the haven.

Head bowed to womb of Gaia, he whispered to the One True Master, “My liege! Vouchsafe unto me steadfastness and make me die as men who have surrendered unto Thee…”

Twas the rites taken from the Apex - one of the chapter in the Scripture of Truth. It is the rite of the humbled heart. Befitting the circumstances that have occurred have once again humbled the Demon. A revelation that truly thought him of the might of the Wielder of the Sword of Destiny.

16th dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus…

This is the tale of the Demon – child of Agnus.

..the more the sacrifices are...

Assalamualaikum and peace be upon you…

Confusion now hath made his masterpiece.
William Shakespeare

In love, one should simplify, choose persons worthy of their promises and leave them if they don't keep them.
Isabelle Adjani

Reason is powerless in the expression of Love. Love alone is capable of revealing the truth of Love and being a Lover. The way of our prophets is the way of Truth. If you want to live, die in Love; die in Love if you want to remain alive
Rumi Jallaluddin

To ease another's heartache is to forget one's own.
Abraham Lincoln

Thunder roars from the land of the east. Ground trembled in the land of the north. The air that bridges the lands is savagely stirred. Stirred by the songs of sadness, angers, hatred, qualms and…cursed enchantments. Cupid’s arrow struck deeper than it has been foretell, too deep. What was meant as benign mark has turned into mortiferous laceration.

Trough the Ancorale Vox Vocis, the Princess has demanded of the Demon a sacrifice as a Consigno Adoris. Once again, the brimstone walls of the Demon heart trembles. This time not of love, but of fear, hurt, grieves and confusions. Sanctity and serenity painfully seeping away from his chest…

Twas the time when Haven’s Throne is but an inch from Gaia’s womb. Day of Weakening, 14th dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus.

The Demon’s slumber is disturbed by the tunes of the Ancorale Vox Vocis proclaiming the calls of his beloved Princess. “This must be a dream” thought the glorified child of Agnus “my beloved would never sire me at this hour…” while drowsily silencing the tunes. An innocent act with grave consequences…

The Demon is in great abashment and agony.

His innocent act has made the day to be as if the world is run the lords of the underworld. The earth that separates him and the Princess is in chaos. Thunder roars from the land of the east. Ground trembled in the land of the north. The air that bridges the lands is savagely stirred. Stirred by the songs of sadness, angers, hatred, qualms and…cursed enchantments – all sang by the Princess. In her eyes, she only see Maligner the Demon.

Her Amotoris Regina is no more, only Maligner the Demon…

Trough the Ancorale Vox Vocis, the Princess has demanded of the Demon a sacrifice as a Consigno Adoris. One that she believes would rid her of the Maligner. His sanctity and soul id to be sacrificed – sealed in a contract only can be broken by the hands of the One True Master. Once again, the brimstone walls of the Demon heart trembles. This time not of love, but of fear, hurt, grieves and confursion. Sanctity and serenity painfully seeping away from his chest…

The Demon falls to his knees…

The Sword of Destiny has been swung. The demon can only watch as the glittering blade draws near, knowing not what will be of him. “One True Master…” he prayed, “elphay emay….”.

Twas the day of Weakening, 14th dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus.

This is the tale of the Demon.

...the further I have to go in my pilgrimage...

Assalamualaikum and peace be upon you…

We have twisted the longing into an insatiable craving to validate that which we are not. The longing is simply the unceasing directive to be that which we are.
Jalaluddin Rumi

Hearghh! Gasp! …hhh…elp!

The rotting hands of the Demon moved frantically to part the dark damp soil that has inearth him. His black soulless eyes are blinded by the darkness caused by the ever falling dirt. He is gasping for air as his chest is laden with the stench of the damp soil. Life seems to sip away from his tired body.

With all of what little might he has, he trusts his weak hand upwards. A loud thud fills the night air. The glorified child of agnus can feel the coldness of the night’s air. He frees another weak hand, gripping tight to whatever hold his rotting hands could find and pulled himself up.
With heavy tired breaths, his soulless eyes stared at the glimmering lights at the foot of the Mount Lucre where he was entombed for the last three dawns…

Twas the dawn of the day of the Terrible, 13th dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus.

The Demon has traveled trough these paths before. Twas the path that leads to Mount Lucre, the place where sinners become saints and saints become sinners. All that that roamed this third Child of Apollo seek this mount, longed for its magic, be at war for its control. Progenitors deny progenies just to have a sip of its sweet sinful springs, masters were enslave by its allurements, slaves become shells in pursuing its shadows.

This are the wonders of Mount Lucre.

In his Book and trough his Beloved, the Unfeigned, the One True Master has always instigate the disciples of the Dark Enlightenment to seek this mountain for reasons that only HE knows. All that followed, all that believe and all that claimed to believe in HIM and his words has never failed to adhere to this. Many have set distorted pilgrimage to Mount Lucre. Many have become sinner saints and saint sinners. Many have been blindly enlightened by the glimmers of this mighty mountain.

The Demon is one of them.

In his pilgrim to the Lucre, the Demon lost sight of the One True Masters’ guiding cane. In his haste to become one of the sinful saints, Avarus and Salax – the enchanting daughters of the Lucre, have managed to allure him to the living pits of Mount Lucre. In his bewildered state of consciousness, buried him in the torturous pits and left him to further rot.

For three painful dawn and lonely dusks he struggles to be free. No friend nor foes, no oracles nor necromancers knew of his faith. Hope and faith is seeping painfully slowly from his brimstone heart. Light has become but a memory for him…

Twas the dawn of the day of the Terrible, 13th dawn of Acca Larentia year of the Pullus Ligneus.

In his inanimate state, his failing ears hear a vivid voice. The voice is chanting a very familiar chant. He mustered his concentration, he listen so very tentatively.

“By the powers that be!” He cries.

“By the powers that be! It’s the One True Master five callings…at this time…?” tear of gratefulness streamed out from his eyes. With all of what little might he has, he trusts his weak hand upwards. A loud thud fills the night air. The glorified child of agnus can feel the coldness of the night’s air. He frees another weak hand, gripping tight to whatever hold his rotting hands could find and pulled himself up.

With heavy tired breaths, his soulless eyes stared at the glimmering lights at the foot of the Lucre where he was entombed for the last three dawns…

"Sire… ” On this dawn thy have thought this servant… from this dawn I am truly thee.”

Twas the tale of the Demon.

...the more things to be read by the ones filled with thouhgts...

Assalamualaikum and peace be upon you...

For those who asked...
And those who wondered...
And those who searched...
The meanings of my words...

Sometimes you have to go places with characters and emotions within yourself you don't want to do, but you have a duty to the story and as a storyteller to do it.
Hugh Jackman

I am but a teller of tales...
Telling the tales of a man who was onced alive...
Telling the tales of a man living death..

It is the story-teller's task to elicit sympathy and a measure of understanding for those who lie outside the boundaries of State approval.
Graham Greene

All say, "How hard it is that we have to die" - a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.
Mark Twain

Unbeing dead isn't being alive.
e. e. cummings

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
George Bernard Shaw

I am but a witness...
Not to the things that will come to past...
Nor to the things that is the past...
Not to the scene of another man's stage...
But to the dramas that is intimate...

Faith is a continuum, and we each fall on that line where we may. By attempting to rigidly classify ethereal concepts like faith, we end up debating semantics to the point where we entirely miss the obvious-that is, that we are all trying to decipher life's big mysteries, and we're each following our own paths of enlightenment.
Dan Brown

While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.
Leonardo da Vinci

I am but an actor...
an actor with no will...
an actor with no might...
an actor with no charecter...
an actor with no words...

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".
Erma Bombeck

Life is a long lesson in humility.
James M. Barrie

For those who asked...
And those who wondered...
And those who searched...
The meanings of my words...
Know of this, and, only this...
They are meaningfull words...
With meaningless meanings.

It takes a long time to understand nothing.
Edward Dahlberg

True thoughts are those alone which do not understand themselves.
Theodor Adorno

We shall see but a little way if we require to understand what we see.
Henry David Thoreau

...and the cuts are getting deeper...

Assalamualaikum and peace be upon you...

Life is not an easy matter... You cannot live through it without falling into frustration and cynicism unless you have before you a great idea which raises you above personal misery, above weakness, above all kinds of perfidy and baseness.

Leon Trotsky

Hearrrrrgh!!!! Slash! Klang! Kling! Swoosh! Rippp...!

A slow stream of blackish red blood flowing from the Demon's chest down to the brown pavements of the Castle of Herbs - the place where the Jester served his wordly master. The Demon fell down on his knees. One hand tremblinly holding the Broken Sword of Destiny to brace himself from sprawling down. He can only look at the flowing blood.

"I can't let Jester sees my blood..." thought the the glorified child of agnus...

Twas the eigth dawn of the Day of Weakening.

The Demon went to pay homage to the Necromancer at the mouth of the Souther Path's route that day. There, the Necromancer conjured a curse - something that is both good but yet evil, on the glorified child of agnus using the mantra taken from the knowledge of Choosen Dark Sages. He managed to repelled the curse, but, it still managed to disoriented his mind and shook the brimstone wall of his black heart. The Necromancer's reasons for doing what he did is beyond the Demon apprehensions.

The Demon ran and he ran as fast as his weak legs allow him.

He went to the Foreign King Castle where the Jester served. Today is he will spar with the Jester. Sparring with Jester have always been enriching and healing for the Demon's chaotic mind. "Today I'll learn more" so thought the lonely lost soul of Hell's Hearth. He arrived at the tavern where he has always sits and be merry with the Jester. He proclaimed his arrival to Jester by whispering to the wind.

When the the enlightened sobrette came, he came with weapons yielded. He charges towards the glorified son of agnus with such passion, such fiery spirit that he has - like he always does whenevere they sparred. His mouth muttering the chants that he always chanted...

"I'll beat you again Jester! This is my craft and mastery...you know it! HAHAHAHAHA!!!" shout the agnus child cheerfull. Happy. Happy as he has always enjoyed the spar that the have together.

But today is the Day of Weakening.

When the Jester swung his Sword of Dark Enlightenment, while muttering the Chants of The Darker Path, the Demon felt a weakening and painfull sensation poking his brimestone heart. He feels debelitates and inanimate. What he has always managed to occlude can no longer occluded.

He felt pain in his chest.

He saw blood.

Jester's Sword of Dark Enlightenment and Chants of The Darker path, the Necromancer's curse have had a momentus effect on the glorified child of agnus. They could never have such an effect.

Never.

In his beatened kneeling pose. With a trembling hand gripping hard on the holder of his broken Sword of Broken Faith. With blood streaming slowly to his feet. He was once again humbled. The One True Master has once again taught him humility. The Demon's weak eyes stare thankfully at Jester's worried face. "Thank my friend..." his lips mutter gently to the confused Jester.

"Thank you my One True Master." His heart whispered to his Lord who resides in the Unseeb Tangent Kingdom. "To day, I truly bow to thee..."

Twas the Day of the Weakening.

Twas the tale of the Demon.

...the greater my sadness is...

Assalamualaikum and peace be upon you....

Sadness does not inhere in things; it does not reach us from the world and through mere contemplation of the world. It is a product of our own thought. We create it out of whole cloth.

Emile Durkheim

The Demons' heart is like a citadel made of blackened brimestones. In this citadel, lays streets that runs in chaos and very confusing muc like the paths within a maze. In each paths a Minatour stands guard. On the sides of these streets, stands shacks and towers and ruins and mansions. In them, dwells thieves and bandits and lyches and efreets and imps. In the heart of this citadel erect a tower made of black steel forged from the hearth of hell. In this tower a warlock rules.

Beneath the hellish grounds of the citadel, there are dungeons and torture chambers and fiery pits. Within them, paradise priest were confined, crusaders were crucified and angels were burned. From the break of dawn to the break of another dawn, the eery cries of these creatures of haven could be heard. They cry not for mercy nor freedom. They cry for vengence and oaths to regain supremacy over the creatures of the time where light is shy.

Sometimes (often too short of a time) the dungeon masters of the citadel were overpowered by the creatures of of haven. These creatures reign and supreme over their adversaries. When this occured, light shine in every inch of the citadel. The shacks and ruins and towers and mansions turned into gardens and arches and minarets and manors. The once dark dwellers of the citadel were no more - blinded and burned or killed of prisoned by the light that illuminate the citadel. The streets are straigthened and guided. The warlock is also gone. Defeated by a wondering wizard. The brimestones turn into bricks made from gold.

But times like this is often short.

No more calmness in the Demons' heart. Only chaos and confusion.

The Demon only can kneel to an unseen shrine. Head bowed. Palms clasping on the holder of a rusty broken sword. The Demon is too tired by the war that rages in his heart. The pain and agony is too tolling. The Demon can only cry and hope and hope and cry to his One True Master.

Cry in hope that He glance at him...

Hope that He hear his cries...

Cry in hope He embraces him...

Hope that He wipes his tears...

...the more days of torments i would have to face...

Assalamualaikum and peace be upon you....

A bore is a person who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.

Henry Ford

Pain of love lasts a lifetime.

Jean Pierre Claris De Florian

It is the Day of the Mundanes.

The Demon has always love the Day of the Mundanes. Everything starts on the Day of the Mundanes. Its the day where all the work , all the hassle began to evolve in to tight crazy knots, the day where we all plan our war path. All the trade routes are unusually unsually congested on the Day of the Mundanes. The day where our self-slavery would start for seven dusks and seven dawns.

The Demon love the Day of the Mundanes very much. It is the day where he could drown all of his boredness in by adhering to the Pit Masters. Every past grains of the sands of time during the Day of the Mundanes stimulates his mind with challenging quests, testing his physical might with heavy tasks.

The Demon's Day of the Mundanes are no longer the same.

The Demon has no quests no more. It has been like this for almost four cycle of the moon. Some of the Day of the Mundanes in that four cycles are nice, but most of them dull.

This Day of the Mundanes is the worst so far.

For the whole day the Demon did nothing. Nothing is a bad thing. It dulls the mind. Weakens the body. Yes, the Demon felt so weak. He is bored and lonely. He misses much of the life he once had. The life where he is free to roam the earth, lavishing in the chaos, where the only rules that dictate him are his rules and those of the One True Master.

The Demon is scared.

He misses the Princess much. Too much. He knows that there will be no ends to this unholy union that he has with her. Both of them came from two different planes of reality. Two realities that could never co-exist harmonically. He knew deep in his darkened heart that this union would only bring war to the rulers and minions of the two planes.

The Demon is filled with anger in him. He wished that he is not born as an agnus - not the kind of thoughts that would bring favors from the One True Master. But like any other agnus, he can't help himself of having such thoughts. In his mind and in his darkened heart, he has distanced himself from the Princess. He wanted to tell her of this, but those angelic eyes of hers always mellows him down. Her songs always rattle the black brimstone wall of his heart.

He has to end it. A creature of the Tangent Haven would only be wretched in the company of a creature from Hell's Hearth. This truth kills him painfully slowly. He is in agony.

Days like this makes it worst.

...the greater smacking i got from God...

Assalamualaikum and peace be upon you…

Faith is spritualized imagination.

Hery Ward Beecher

Yep yessiree! I really got a good one from God yesterday – well not exactly a smacking but rather a reminder on life. I spent the whole night contemplating on the lessons that God thought me yesterday, thus providing me with the excuse for not writing this yesterday…hehehe.

Here’s the story…

I went to meet a couple of friends at different time intervals yesterday. The King and The Jester (later on in life I’ll tell why I named them like I named them). Back to the story, I went and met The King first. On the way to the mountain where he oversees his kingdom (not a big one but still significant), I was a bit down thinking about not being able to generate enough money during the eleventh month of the year. The Faraway Princess, The Regents and The Mamak Bendahara have yet to fail in reminding me of this fact – adding more head cracking headaches to my tiny little head. Like all those who are troubled in life, all I can do is sighing out loud, blaming everything and everyone except my self for my incompetence.

I reached at the King’s mountain at somewhere around two. He was quit busy going trough an intelligence report of a spy from the kingdom of bandits. So I decided to let him be and meet him when the shadow is longer than the pole. When the time has come, we met. The King has asked me to accompany him to see his stable-master. So we went to stables. The King presented me with a really big surprise! He’s having all three of his silver chariots modified – an average of 10 grand each! “Damn!” I said to my self.

Damn!

This is the first lesson God gave me.

I told the King that I’m proud of him, and I do feel a tinge (yeah right!) of jealously of him.

The King and I have known each other since the middle ages. He hails from a kingdom somewhere in middle earth. He was not born in a royal family. His family was mere servants to the aristocrats. He never had the tutorage meant for kings like I had. He is where he is by thwarting the ogres, demons and imps that guarded the treasures of life. He thwarted them with his bare hands.

“I envy of you”

“hehehehe” he replied “why should you?”

“ye la, you got all this, I work like hell but still I have nothing…not even a job!”

“demon,” he says “bow to God, have faith in Him and in your self, question not of HIS work, and do it without asking anything from HIM except for HIS blessings and love.”
Wham! Bam! Boom! Knock out. The demon has left the building.

After that conversation which continues to be a very lengthy detail which I don’t have the might to write, the King took me to the kingdom where the Jester entertained his sire. The Jester served a foreign master whom like him very very much. (Well he must have – if not he wont kept the Jester for four years). We arrive there quit late, the King have some other thing to so he left me there with the Jester who has an inverted smile on his face. What do you expect? I was almost an hour late.

We both had a sip of our poison before we make our move to the Tower of Unseen Riches. During the time we were sipping our poison, (which continued on the way) the Jester began to tell his tales. He said that being a court Jester is not easy. Day in day out he have to make sure his sire is happy by making jokes on the other members of the court – form the wizards down to the peasants. It is his responsibility to his sire.

But he is not happy.

Time for God’s second lesson.

Jester told me that he is unhappy because although he has completed his duties for his sire, he has neglected much of his duties to his one true sire – God.

I knew Jester way back in the dark ages. We grew up together. Both of us came from Kings and Queens whose linage traces back to the oracles of haven. Both of us were brought up with great love and great wealth befitting inheritors of kingdoms. We were sent to the greatest of wizards. But even all that love, with all that wealth and with knowledge, we still have to bow to masters of different kingdoms to earn our keep. My path is slightly different from the Jester’s (tell you of my story later on in life).

Jester told me, even though he is of blood that flows down from haven, his sire have showered him with wealth and the wealth that he has gained from the Tower of Unseen Riches is beyond the imagination of mere peasants, he still is laden with unhappiness and inadequacy in terms of the material things. This has been the case even after he has be wedded Chenow White. “Don’t get me wrong, Chenow White has nothing to do with all this.” He said. He told me that all these is because of his negligence of his duties towards his true sire.

“The One True Sire has given me much” he said. “So much and so graciously – even when I am too arrogant to bow my head to HIM.”

“I envy you” said the Jester using the exact same words that I have uttered to the King earlier. “You, my dear demon, never failed to fulfill your to duties to the One True Sire no matter what.” If only he knew. Jester continues telling me that he has set an absolute resolution and has been for the past two week kept true to it. He has and is disciplining himself to immediately answer to all of the calls of the One True Sire’s summoner - all five calls. Even if he has to go against the stomping stampede of the Glittering Emperor’s herd heading back to their barns when the sun beginning to hide it self beyond the horizon.

“I envy you” said the Jester again.

“I envy you because all this while you have been telling me of this - this sweetness that one could have just by loving HIM truly. All this while I have been too arrogant to HIM even when I knew that HE is my true Master”

The demon black out. Two knock outs in one day.

When I got back to my pit, I began to think and reflect back at what God has taught me today. I felt ashamed. I am humbled. I knew now of the thing that I should known earlier. I have found the answers that I’m seeking.

That night I bowed to HIM.

Sincerely.


p/s at the time I was writing this, God taught me another lesson, this time trough the Princess. I’ll tell you of this later on in life.

...the chaotic my thoughts are

The soul of man Resembleth water: From heaven it cometh,

To heaven it soareth.

And then again To earth descendeth,

Changing ever.

Down from the lofty Rocky wall

Streams the bright flood,

Then spreadeth gently

In cloudy billows

O'er the smooth rock,

And welcomed kindly,

Veiling, on roams it, Soft murmuring,

Tow'rd the abyss.

Cliffs projecting Oppose its progress,

Angrily foams it

Down to the bottom, Step by step.

Now, in flat channel,

Through the meadowland steals it,

And in the polish'd lake

Each constellation Joyously peepeth.

Wind is the loving

Wooer of waters; Wind blends together

Billows all-foaming.

Spirit of man, Thou art like unto water! Fortune of man, Thou art like unto wind!

J. W. von Goethe

I lke this poem by Goethe. In a way, though he believes more on the idea and concept of "man need no god", this poem to reflects to the opposite. I read it somewhere that to be free, one need to be confined - "The world is but a prison; death is the liberation".

Ironic isn't it?

Death sets us free. But then the question that arises is, by being dead, we would be incapble to do anything. So how could death liberates? The fun part about religion is that we are thought to have freedom within boundaries. We are thought to have and believe in hopes of a future time. To believe in the unseen. What we cannot touch nor feel entice us to experiment with the things in life.

We do good.

We do bad.

What will we reap? It depends on what we believe.

...the longer things seem to be

assalamualaikum, peace be upon you...

It has been 7 days since i last wrote. Seven very long days. In the last entry, I wrote down my six feet down under condition. Still feel the same, 'cept its not as deep as before. There are resasons why I didn't post any entries for the past 7 days. But then, those are just mere excuses.

Truthfully, I starting back on my "self-restoration" process.

I have decided to try m best to re-do all my "amal" back no matter how hard. Trust me its hard. All the zikirs, all the sunats...still, I have failed miserablely. Especially when it comes to the qiyam. I vowed to lessen my maksiat. Yup! Though I seem to be an alim, I DO sinned. Which brings me to another point. Not to reveal who I am (meaning I'll for go the chances to be a materialized friend to the beautiful people I have the chance to visit their blogs). I think I'd better be a virtua friend to them. That way, I could tell all about my most darkest secret here and still make frens to them.

I really am starting to feel like a freak.

Back to the amal thing. For the past seven days, I manage to re-do modt of the amal that I used to do before the downward spiral I'm in. The main reason? Maksiat. When I look back at my life after I came back from the havenly kingdom, I let both of the person inside me out. The extreme alim, and, the extreme demon. During the days uptill to this day, I mixed up ma'aruf and mungkar. Its something like - an hour hour of sin followed by an hour of redemption. Its nothing like the "manusia terlupa" thing. Its all intentional.

The result? Paniang palo, lotih badan and rusak hati.

For the past seven days, I limit the freedom of my inner demons. It really calms me down. I feel good. I feel happy. But as they say nothing comes for free. How true it is. The price that I have to pay for this happiness is great. Too great.

I have to let go of my love for the princess.

I never talk to you about the princess. She's a wonderfull lady. Tested for so many times. But still sweet. I do love her so very much. But trough the course of our relation, I do find it hard to tell her about the inner conflicts that I have. I don't blame her though. The fault is all mine.

The fault is all mine.

Tell me of your thoughts my faceless frens........

...The more i see...

assalamualaikum, peace be upon you...

From the beginning of Syawal, to this day, 19th of Syawal, I have been like six-feet down. Nothing seems to work my way. I lost my transport, which leads to me being unable to do my work, which leads to a very sourfull relation with my gal, which (both of the aforementioned) lead to a very strainfull relation with my parents, which leads to a frown on my already ugly face, which leads to me being not happy (of which something that I really, really hate), which leads to me feeling angry almost all the time, and which lead to (this is something that I am very very ashamed of) me started to ask why is God doing this to me now.

Pretty fuck-up eh?

Not really. I brought this down on my self. You see, During Ramadhan (as you can read from my previous entries) I'm very very calm and happy. I knew then, that God works in mysterious ways. Everything has its purpose and functions. Everything happen for a reason. We should always be grateful and bow down to HIM.

But I seem to have forgotten that.

Pretty quick for humans forget eh? Yup, I did forget. I neglected my ibadah. I neglected to seek forgiveness from God. But worst of all, I blame HIM for the fuck-up things in my life. Some of you who read this must thought that I'm a religious freak. Heck! Even I my self thought so. But then one really small but significant (for me) thing happened today. For some odd reasons, I was really drawn to see "Shall We Dance".

So I watched it. And by God I really enjoyed it!

I was left with a really great smile on my face, and oddly, a sense of relief. A great sense of relief. I realize something - something that is really significant for me. Something that made me feel really great. Something that made me feel - and believe - that my life is not fuck-up but rather its a result of a forgetfully soul.

I realize that GOD LOVE ME.

What I learned from the movie is that, life is like ballroom dancing. Only this time, we are dancing with the perfect partner, the best choreographer - GOD. He knew, and always will know and understand us. HE has choreographed our steps so perfectly well and has selected the best tunes for us. But sometimes, we forget the tunes, we forget the steps, and we end up dancing to our own tune and steps. Our own tunes and steps that is filled with flaws.

Fill with flaws.

Yup! Our tunes and steps are riddled with flaws. The only way that we can correct it is by going back to the Choreographer. Look back at HIS design. Learn from it. Be it the meringue or waltz or quicksteps. Appreciate the choreographer. Be thankfull to HIM and have lots and lots of acceptance.

Accept.

Accept that we can't dance alone.

We need our partner.

We need our choreographer.

We need GOD.

the i'm trapped...

assalamualaikum and peace be upon you...


Ever felt that you are trapped between two worlds?

I got that all the time. Well not worlds - more of two personality. I always felt trapped - torned between two lifes. One that have no boundries what so ever and one that have to curb and control himself from the pleasures in life.

I am always confused of what is defined as love, life and living. Why there are so many rules and requirements. Deep inside of me, I have always wanted to live life as I want. But then, there are rules that have been set by religions and society that I have to adhered. I have always hated these rules, regulations and requirements.

I still do.

assalamualaikum...peace be upon you

terbit mentari

di ufuk timur,

di balik dengung sang reriang,

lahir sinar,

sore,

indah pandangan,

lembayung gunung,

gambaran harapan.

jam delapan,

masih suam malap kelam,

tinggi impi gunung di hadapan,

bulat tekad sang reriang,

terang sungguh cita harapan.

mentari makin memanjat,

bayang tongkat ukur kian memanjang,

mentari akan terus menyinar harapan,

sangka sang reriang,

doa sang reriang,

girang sang reriang.

tegak mentari atas kepala,

bayang tongkat pada dasar,

tiup angin,

tongkat goyah,

reriang resah.

datang angin bawa awan,

dalam awan ada hujan,

sama hujan timbul taufan,

sama taufan timbul kebingungan,

sama kebingungan timbul kecelaruan.

mentari masihkah ada?

mungkin kelam selimut sinar?

mungkin siang bertukar malam?

mungkin malam tiada cahaya?

mentari terbit lagi.

mentari takkan mati.

mentari kan sinari lagi.

ini janji mentari.

choices, choices ....

assalamualaikum and peace be upon you....

The more my inner demons grow, the more I think of ...

Why am infront of my desktop, writing this. Why? I don't know. I lost purpose in doing this. I started writing these entries as a vent for my anger and inner demons. I like the anymousity that it brings. Here, all my darkness would be illuminated by the thoughts and reactions that others have on what I dribble. I like it very much.

But there's a flaw.

To have anymousity, I have to sacrifice the chance of making friends with these peoples - which I found out - very, very interesting characters. Ones that would surely make my monochromatic life living with colors.

Choices, choices...

do I pursue the possibilities of making frens with them in real life and be anynomous no more OR keep the anymousity and lose the chance of making wonderful friends?

questions, questions, questions...

assalamualaikum and peace be upon you....

I ain't a smart person.

Always there are stupid dumb questions running in my head. I don't look nice. I don't think nice. I don't write nice. I always do things that will evently led others to think bad of good things.

Ever notice how our lives are based on five simple words? Who/what, when, where, why and how? Most of the times, we use what to determine the course of life. We and the people around us asked these questions almost every nano second of our life. Be it to our self, or, to other.

WHO AM I NOW AND WHO WILL I BE IN THE FUTURE?

WHAT DO I HAVE NOW AND WHAT WILL I HAVE IN THE FUTURE?

WHEN DID I BECAME THIS AND WHEN WILL I BECOME THAT?

WHY AM I LIKE THIS AND WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE THAT?

HOW DID I MANAGE TO BE LIKE THIS AND HOW CAN I BE LIKE THAT?

Questions, questions, questions. In a good and guided way, these questions would bring lots of enlightments and enhancements in life. In an opposite manner - destruction and despair. But then, what is the "good and guided" and what is not?

For me, it matters not. The questions that we asked ourselves and others are sign boards in lifes' long highway. We might asked the wrong direction - but then its the journey that matters most, right? It does not matter how everyhting begins - but how its ends, right?

I look back at my life. I look back at other peoples life. I notice that even in the things that we believe in we also have questions - some call it doubts, some call it "reflecting our lives back". Theres no more - or at least - "just do it" attitude. We do bad, bad things - two questions still arise. One to justify our actions. One to punish.

More questions.

the more the ergggggggh.....

assalamualaikum and peace be upon you.

Yup! the 'ergh!' is getting louder and longer. Shit! I miss ramadhan. In ramadhan, doing good deeds is not as hard as in the other months. Well...thats not quite true...the fear for Gods' wrath is greater.

I really don't quit like the other months.

I don't really quit like my weak self.

Being weak is one thing - not being able to force my self to bow to God as much as I did during ramadhan is another. Really got to wake up.

Me Princess is another thing. She kept nagging me about "its the physical things that matters in life". Erghh! How I wish that I could just tell it to her face and make her undersatnd that our soul is much more important. With a good soul comes a good life.

Erghhhh!

Rabbi, forgive me for my insolance and my weakness. Give me your strength so that I be your true servant.

the more i'm at lost...

assalamualaikum...peace be upon you

I am in sadness and in lost...

Tonight, is the 27th night of ramadhan. It is a great night. But not to me. Tonight I have lost the battle against my nafsu. I have sinned. I have wasted the night with deeds that should not be done.

I am in sadness and in lost...

I only managed to get two rakaat of tahajjud and two rakaat of taubah. Sincerity? I don't know - don't dare say. The only thing that i knew is that I am truly ashamed and truly embarresed to ask him for anything. In my heart right now I only pray and hope that HE will forgive and guide me back to HIS path.

RABBI ANSURNI! RABBI! SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAL DHZOLIMIIN. RABBI! LA HAWALA KUWATA ILLA BILLAH HIL A'LIUL A'ZIMM.

the happier i am...

assalamualaikum...peace be upon you

yup! i am a happy man. have no riches, no matter - have lots and lts of good friends. have no looks, no matter - have lots and lots of knowledge.

but the things that makes me hapiest -

1. Ranadhan is ending and for the first time in my 29 years of god blessed existence, i manage to fll the ends with ibadah.

2. people like you who are reading this.

love you guys and love you GOD!

the harder it is being human....

assalamualaikum...peace be upon you

the hard part of being human are -

1. to be gratefull
2. to be good
3. to repent our inner evil and sins
4. to love trough god's eyes
5. to talk to god (you usually do this tru prayers)
6. to smile
7. to pray for others (really, it ain't that hard - just give and answer salam DUH!)
8. to smile when hickups come visiting.

At the time i'm writing number eight, the princess called. Apparently, she has just finished wacthing "Kate & Leopold" on Astro. Usually, her voice would bring joy to my heart. But not tonight.

Tonight, she is really annoying.

She went on rambling about how she have always wanted a man like leopold. Heck! What am I here? A "pak pacak" in our liltle "movie". That statement really push all my "red buttons" - I mean really.

Then oddly, I heard a whisper in my blackened heart.

"Look back at what you wrote" it says.

And I did just that.

The first thought that came in my heart. Forgive me GOD. I forgot that both of us are mere human. For most of the people out there, they might say - "HUKELLEH! ITU PUN NAK KEPOH KE MAT!" (whats so great about that?). But if you think and reflect back carefully, this just show how mysterious God works. To think - at the very time I'm writing those eight item, my patience is being tested.

HE reminded me that I'm human.

LOVE YOU GOD.

The more I wonder....

Assalamualaikum...peace be upon you...

on what defines us as a person...

Is it the clothes that we wear? The books that we read? The company that we keep? The amount of wealth that we own? What defines us as a person? To me, a person should never be defined trough the material things that we have. A person should be define by the quality of the heart and soul that we have. All trough out history, we have been shown that, the poorer the soul - the more beast-like we are. Money becomes the instrument to smoothen the acts of evil. Knowledge becomes the catalyst for hatred and war. People turns into pawns of destruction. Love becomes hate.

are we evil?

Not to me. The prophet have said that we are born as pure as a white linen. Our parents colors us. But then, our parents should not be blamed for the evil that we do. God have created us so beautifully.

HE gave us brains...

The irony of things is that - we never, or rarely use them properly. By properly, I mean to say that most of us, including me, fails to think about the things, events and nature around us. When we observe all these things - godwillingly we would become enlighten. We will improve the quality of our soul and our hearts.

It has been almost a month since my return home from HIS kingdom. I felt reborn. I have no anger nor hatred in my self. If only those whom I call friends, family and love could feel what I'm feeling now. Its liberating. No more fears. No more tears.

I love U...

I have finally find the true meanings of these three words. I know now, to really love some one is to see them trough GODs' eyes.

See them not as only flesh and blood.

See them as a task given to us to win HIS love.

Yes, the love of GOD need to be won over. But it is nothing similar to winning the love of a person. A flesh might hurt us. A flesh might betray us. A flesh might use us.

Never GOD. Never ever GOD.

I love u GOD.

Just read...

Assalamualaikum...

Alhamdullilah...that's all I can say. You see, I'm the rotten type. But being as rotten as I am, HE never failed me in any whatsoever sense at all. HE always give and give and give.

To prove it...

Even in this holy month, I have marred my existance with acts of defiance - don't ask me to elaborate, its for me to know. But never have HE made my life hard. Everything have always been smooth. No hickups. Not like the life I have before I went to HIS kingdom.

Odd?

No lah. One thing I was thought by HIM when I was in HIS kingdom was to always, always accept the fact that I am a mere human. I'll my mistakes, I'll sinned. But then, in being human, HE has also remind and thought me to never give up faith in HIS benevolence and love. The more sins I make, the more I have to ask for HIS forgiveness. But that doesn't warrants me to sinned - its just that I have to accept the fact that I'm human. It means that to NEVER - and I do mean NEVER - to give up on HIS grace that one day - one beautiful fine day - I'll truly be HIS servant. One who would repent sins. One who would really bow to HIM.

ALHAMDULILLAH...that's all I can say.

So does my faith...

Assalamualaikum...

I am so very happy. Many praise to the Almighty. No sales made last week but for some odd reasons - it worries me not. The Princess is quit okay, my Rulers are very okay, the Fresh Prince is still far - but alll in all, everything is really okay.

Tonight is the 21st night of Ramadhan.

Alhamdulliah, GOD still gave me strength to stay up. By His will, I will qiyam. I hope that I'll do it with such perfection that he will be pleased with me.

Love you GOD.

Saya batu kepala atas ada makin busar laa...

Assalamualaikum...

The title says it all...I have been tested the past whole week. God have given me mucho mucho grande - but me being me - ever hard headed, just don't wanna bow to him. Ye la, ape ke salahnye gue tinduk syukur kat die ye tak?

Felt really ashamed and stupid...

HE invited me to HIS kingdom, gave me lots and lots of thingy. To be gratefull? Aiya caramba!! More sins this kid is doing. What is going to happen to me? At the time I'm jotting this entry the azan is being called, me gilfriend sent a sms - and finally a speck of gratefullness does touch my heart...

Thank you GOD.

So does the light...

Assalamualaikum.

Hmmm...Here's the thing, previously, I did wrote something about my sleeping pattern. I do feel, during the time I wrote about it "rugi gilest" in terms of the ibadah and what nots that could be done during the time I'm in dreamland. So yesterday and today I did an experiment on myself.

Yesterday, like the days before in this Ramadhan, I did not sleep for the whole night. Usually, whenever I did this, I'll spend my time watching t.v or surfing the net, but not this time. I spend the night reciting the quran - something that has been ages I do, perform the tahajjud (you could do it before you sleep, there's a hadith on it), taubah, tasbih, hajat and istikarah. Stay awake till after subuh. Recite 100 times astaghfirullah, solawat, zikir fatimah and 1000 times the Bismillah and Lahawala kuwatailla billah (for those who wonder, it'll only took you 15 - 30 minutes of your life to do) then I slept for two hours of very-deep-sleep. I woke up, feeling realllllllllllllly refreshed, clear-headed, confident and every single thing in my life went reallllllllllllly smooth. No hickups, no worries, no fear and no doubts.

Today, I repeated the no sleep thing, the five solah minus the quran and the zikir. Went to sleep half an hour before Subuh (did ask my mom to wake me for subuh - she did, only thing is I did not wake up)- end up sleeping through the whole day minus all the great things I felt the day before. Bummer!

The past two days left me with one resolution - I vowed, no matter what happen, I will do the former from this day onwards to the day GOD take my ability to do so.

GOD, you are GREAT!

so does my sleeping time

Erggggh! Don't you just hate it when every time before you go to slep at night, you made all the plans you wanna do tomorrow only to discover the next morning all your eyes can do is shut themselves tight? Errrgh! Just hate it so very much.

I read in a few blogs before, these wonderfull faceless people have laid plans to do before they died. I found it hard for me to make plans - sebelum kiok mahu pun untuk sejam yang akan datang. Whenever I make plans, something would always comes up screwing them from even taking place. Its easier for me to do themon adhoc basis.

But one thing that I recently learnt, whatever I planned or not planned, I have to start my day with two rakaat of prayers. Things would go mysteriously well.

No offense to those of different set of believe, I thank God I'm a muslim. Not a good one, but, Godwillingly one day I'll be a good one.

Note to all flesh and blood out there, whatever diety that you believe in, always - and I mean always bow yourselves to that diety...you'll be amazed of the wonders it brings.

Hope I won't waste another day sleeping.

goyang iman gue...

last nite...jamaah tarawikh

this morning semayang malam...

pas sahur, tak tulung mak kemas...i'm no good

posa...tido memanjang

malam tenet...

other people book their places in haven...me, well i think i've confirm a place in hell. this gotta to stop...how? beats me...too weak inside.

GOD, if you are listening, save me.

the lil' boy in me runs harder...

Back to me home place. The place where i was born, the place where i grew up, the place where i learned, the place where i fell in love and got heart broken, the place where i sinned and saint. When to a place where serinity is not just a mere word - a place where it is lived. I thought in my blackened heart, only in that place a man can find peace.

I was wrong.

My eyes were opened for the very first time. I saw and i learned that sanctuary lies not in the land we go nor in the land we live, but it is in the heart that we care for. I was thought and my belives were strengthen not to give up hope but to hold it tight.

I felt reborn.

No more anger at my self. No more dissappoinments towards the flesh. Only gratefullness. Only love.

Only hope.

so does my confusions...

ever wonder how a person seem to be able to tell when you are sad even when that person is million mile away?

ever wonder how a person could love you in one day and hate you forever?

ever wonder how much intoxicating money is to people?

hmmmm...i never stop wondering.

why is it hard to love god?

why is it hard to accept others as a human being?

why is it we like to use other rather than helping each other?

why......

my soul is getting weaker...

It has been ten days now since i started being jobless...

I'm sitting at home listening to R Kelly's you save me. Funny how we always now that god is always out there showering us with his grace, but then, that's just it - we knew but somehow we seem to be not feeling it. How weak we are as human. In times of laughter, we forget HIM. In time of sadness we blame HIM.

You save me...

That song by R Kelly brings tears to my eyes...yes it's a Christian song, I know. But for me that song has always reminded how the Rabbul Jalil has always kept me save, give me my peace, provide me love and happiness ... giving me SAKINAH. But I never grace, never bowed my head with sincerity. I blackened my heart with sins. I weakened my soul with lust.

Save me...

SO DOES THE RAGE IN ME

I scrap the earlier entries. Doesn't feel like me. Just like the life I'm living right now.

Doesn't feel like my life.

I hate everything in my life right now. Day in, day out, eyes open, eyes shut, walk in, walk out - every single fucking thing in my life is for others. I work to give others pride, comfortability and security. I love so that others would felt love. I kept my silence so that others would have an ear to listen to their fucking problems, nags and only god knows what else. I sleep so that I could wake up tomorrow to give others happiness. I held back my tears so that others could shed their fucking tears - and I will be the wiping them. I'm being sincere so that others would have a taste of sincerity. I give so that others get. I bow so that others can held their fucking heads up. I gave up my dreams so others can have their fucking dreams.

For what? What do I get?

Hmmmm...What do I get? Love with conditions. Being look down at. Being screwed. Being nagged. Being blame. Having only the fucking wall to hear my sorrows, my fear, my worries. Being kick when I'm down. Being arm-twisted. Being told over, and over, and over again "Sayang (or anak, or kawan, or cinta) kami buat semua ni sebab kami sayang kat awak" ... yeah right. This is what you called love?

I am fucking tired of everything and everyone right now.

Really tired.

Mebbe its a blessing, mebbe it's a curse. I don't know. I want to know. I'm tired of having sleepless night thinking about others. I'm sick and tired of not being able to feel the so called love that others claimed to have for me. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of crying in the shadows. I'm tired.

Is it hard?

Is it that hard to accept me for who I am? Is it hard to let me grow in my own time? Is it hard to love me unconditionally? Is it hard to make me smile without asking anything in return?

I hate everyone and everything right now...