...the longer things seem to be

assalamualaikum, peace be upon you...

It has been 7 days since i last wrote. Seven very long days. In the last entry, I wrote down my six feet down under condition. Still feel the same, 'cept its not as deep as before. There are resasons why I didn't post any entries for the past 7 days. But then, those are just mere excuses.

Truthfully, I starting back on my "self-restoration" process.

I have decided to try m best to re-do all my "amal" back no matter how hard. Trust me its hard. All the zikirs, all the sunats...still, I have failed miserablely. Especially when it comes to the qiyam. I vowed to lessen my maksiat. Yup! Though I seem to be an alim, I DO sinned. Which brings me to another point. Not to reveal who I am (meaning I'll for go the chances to be a materialized friend to the beautiful people I have the chance to visit their blogs). I think I'd better be a virtua friend to them. That way, I could tell all about my most darkest secret here and still make frens to them.

I really am starting to feel like a freak.

Back to the amal thing. For the past seven days, I manage to re-do modt of the amal that I used to do before the downward spiral I'm in. The main reason? Maksiat. When I look back at my life after I came back from the havenly kingdom, I let both of the person inside me out. The extreme alim, and, the extreme demon. During the days uptill to this day, I mixed up ma'aruf and mungkar. Its something like - an hour hour of sin followed by an hour of redemption. Its nothing like the "manusia terlupa" thing. Its all intentional.

The result? Paniang palo, lotih badan and rusak hati.

For the past seven days, I limit the freedom of my inner demons. It really calms me down. I feel good. I feel happy. But as they say nothing comes for free. How true it is. The price that I have to pay for this happiness is great. Too great.

I have to let go of my love for the princess.

I never talk to you about the princess. She's a wonderfull lady. Tested for so many times. But still sweet. I do love her so very much. But trough the course of our relation, I do find it hard to tell her about the inner conflicts that I have. I don't blame her though. The fault is all mine.

The fault is all mine.

Tell me of your thoughts my faceless frens........