...the chaotic my thoughts are

The soul of man Resembleth water: From heaven it cometh,

To heaven it soareth.

And then again To earth descendeth,

Changing ever.

Down from the lofty Rocky wall

Streams the bright flood,

Then spreadeth gently

In cloudy billows

O'er the smooth rock,

And welcomed kindly,

Veiling, on roams it, Soft murmuring,

Tow'rd the abyss.

Cliffs projecting Oppose its progress,

Angrily foams it

Down to the bottom, Step by step.

Now, in flat channel,

Through the meadowland steals it,

And in the polish'd lake

Each constellation Joyously peepeth.

Wind is the loving

Wooer of waters; Wind blends together

Billows all-foaming.

Spirit of man, Thou art like unto water! Fortune of man, Thou art like unto wind!

J. W. von Goethe

I lke this poem by Goethe. In a way, though he believes more on the idea and concept of "man need no god", this poem to reflects to the opposite. I read it somewhere that to be free, one need to be confined - "The world is but a prison; death is the liberation".

Ironic isn't it?

Death sets us free. But then the question that arises is, by being dead, we would be incapble to do anything. So how could death liberates? The fun part about religion is that we are thought to have freedom within boundaries. We are thought to have and believe in hopes of a future time. To believe in the unseen. What we cannot touch nor feel entice us to experiment with the things in life.

We do good.

We do bad.

What will we reap? It depends on what we believe.

...the longer things seem to be

assalamualaikum, peace be upon you...

It has been 7 days since i last wrote. Seven very long days. In the last entry, I wrote down my six feet down under condition. Still feel the same, 'cept its not as deep as before. There are resasons why I didn't post any entries for the past 7 days. But then, those are just mere excuses.

Truthfully, I starting back on my "self-restoration" process.

I have decided to try m best to re-do all my "amal" back no matter how hard. Trust me its hard. All the zikirs, all the sunats...still, I have failed miserablely. Especially when it comes to the qiyam. I vowed to lessen my maksiat. Yup! Though I seem to be an alim, I DO sinned. Which brings me to another point. Not to reveal who I am (meaning I'll for go the chances to be a materialized friend to the beautiful people I have the chance to visit their blogs). I think I'd better be a virtua friend to them. That way, I could tell all about my most darkest secret here and still make frens to them.

I really am starting to feel like a freak.

Back to the amal thing. For the past seven days, I manage to re-do modt of the amal that I used to do before the downward spiral I'm in. The main reason? Maksiat. When I look back at my life after I came back from the havenly kingdom, I let both of the person inside me out. The extreme alim, and, the extreme demon. During the days uptill to this day, I mixed up ma'aruf and mungkar. Its something like - an hour hour of sin followed by an hour of redemption. Its nothing like the "manusia terlupa" thing. Its all intentional.

The result? Paniang palo, lotih badan and rusak hati.

For the past seven days, I limit the freedom of my inner demons. It really calms me down. I feel good. I feel happy. But as they say nothing comes for free. How true it is. The price that I have to pay for this happiness is great. Too great.

I have to let go of my love for the princess.

I never talk to you about the princess. She's a wonderfull lady. Tested for so many times. But still sweet. I do love her so very much. But trough the course of our relation, I do find it hard to tell her about the inner conflicts that I have. I don't blame her though. The fault is all mine.

The fault is all mine.

Tell me of your thoughts my faceless frens........

...The more i see...

assalamualaikum, peace be upon you...

From the beginning of Syawal, to this day, 19th of Syawal, I have been like six-feet down. Nothing seems to work my way. I lost my transport, which leads to me being unable to do my work, which leads to a very sourfull relation with my gal, which (both of the aforementioned) lead to a very strainfull relation with my parents, which leads to a frown on my already ugly face, which leads to me being not happy (of which something that I really, really hate), which leads to me feeling angry almost all the time, and which lead to (this is something that I am very very ashamed of) me started to ask why is God doing this to me now.

Pretty fuck-up eh?

Not really. I brought this down on my self. You see, During Ramadhan (as you can read from my previous entries) I'm very very calm and happy. I knew then, that God works in mysterious ways. Everything has its purpose and functions. Everything happen for a reason. We should always be grateful and bow down to HIM.

But I seem to have forgotten that.

Pretty quick for humans forget eh? Yup, I did forget. I neglected my ibadah. I neglected to seek forgiveness from God. But worst of all, I blame HIM for the fuck-up things in my life. Some of you who read this must thought that I'm a religious freak. Heck! Even I my self thought so. But then one really small but significant (for me) thing happened today. For some odd reasons, I was really drawn to see "Shall We Dance".

So I watched it. And by God I really enjoyed it!

I was left with a really great smile on my face, and oddly, a sense of relief. A great sense of relief. I realize something - something that is really significant for me. Something that made me feel really great. Something that made me feel - and believe - that my life is not fuck-up but rather its a result of a forgetfully soul.

I realize that GOD LOVE ME.

What I learned from the movie is that, life is like ballroom dancing. Only this time, we are dancing with the perfect partner, the best choreographer - GOD. He knew, and always will know and understand us. HE has choreographed our steps so perfectly well and has selected the best tunes for us. But sometimes, we forget the tunes, we forget the steps, and we end up dancing to our own tune and steps. Our own tunes and steps that is filled with flaws.

Fill with flaws.

Yup! Our tunes and steps are riddled with flaws. The only way that we can correct it is by going back to the Choreographer. Look back at HIS design. Learn from it. Be it the meringue or waltz or quicksteps. Appreciate the choreographer. Be thankfull to HIM and have lots and lots of acceptance.

Accept.

Accept that we can't dance alone.

We need our partner.

We need our choreographer.

We need GOD.

the i'm trapped...

assalamualaikum and peace be upon you...


Ever felt that you are trapped between two worlds?

I got that all the time. Well not worlds - more of two personality. I always felt trapped - torned between two lifes. One that have no boundries what so ever and one that have to curb and control himself from the pleasures in life.

I am always confused of what is defined as love, life and living. Why there are so many rules and requirements. Deep inside of me, I have always wanted to live life as I want. But then, there are rules that have been set by religions and society that I have to adhered. I have always hated these rules, regulations and requirements.

I still do.

assalamualaikum...peace be upon you

terbit mentari

di ufuk timur,

di balik dengung sang reriang,

lahir sinar,

sore,

indah pandangan,

lembayung gunung,

gambaran harapan.

jam delapan,

masih suam malap kelam,

tinggi impi gunung di hadapan,

bulat tekad sang reriang,

terang sungguh cita harapan.

mentari makin memanjat,

bayang tongkat ukur kian memanjang,

mentari akan terus menyinar harapan,

sangka sang reriang,

doa sang reriang,

girang sang reriang.

tegak mentari atas kepala,

bayang tongkat pada dasar,

tiup angin,

tongkat goyah,

reriang resah.

datang angin bawa awan,

dalam awan ada hujan,

sama hujan timbul taufan,

sama taufan timbul kebingungan,

sama kebingungan timbul kecelaruan.

mentari masihkah ada?

mungkin kelam selimut sinar?

mungkin siang bertukar malam?

mungkin malam tiada cahaya?

mentari terbit lagi.

mentari takkan mati.

mentari kan sinari lagi.

ini janji mentari.

choices, choices ....

assalamualaikum and peace be upon you....

The more my inner demons grow, the more I think of ...

Why am infront of my desktop, writing this. Why? I don't know. I lost purpose in doing this. I started writing these entries as a vent for my anger and inner demons. I like the anymousity that it brings. Here, all my darkness would be illuminated by the thoughts and reactions that others have on what I dribble. I like it very much.

But there's a flaw.

To have anymousity, I have to sacrifice the chance of making friends with these peoples - which I found out - very, very interesting characters. Ones that would surely make my monochromatic life living with colors.

Choices, choices...

do I pursue the possibilities of making frens with them in real life and be anynomous no more OR keep the anymousity and lose the chance of making wonderful friends?

questions, questions, questions...

assalamualaikum and peace be upon you....

I ain't a smart person.

Always there are stupid dumb questions running in my head. I don't look nice. I don't think nice. I don't write nice. I always do things that will evently led others to think bad of good things.

Ever notice how our lives are based on five simple words? Who/what, when, where, why and how? Most of the times, we use what to determine the course of life. We and the people around us asked these questions almost every nano second of our life. Be it to our self, or, to other.

WHO AM I NOW AND WHO WILL I BE IN THE FUTURE?

WHAT DO I HAVE NOW AND WHAT WILL I HAVE IN THE FUTURE?

WHEN DID I BECAME THIS AND WHEN WILL I BECOME THAT?

WHY AM I LIKE THIS AND WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE THAT?

HOW DID I MANAGE TO BE LIKE THIS AND HOW CAN I BE LIKE THAT?

Questions, questions, questions. In a good and guided way, these questions would bring lots of enlightments and enhancements in life. In an opposite manner - destruction and despair. But then, what is the "good and guided" and what is not?

For me, it matters not. The questions that we asked ourselves and others are sign boards in lifes' long highway. We might asked the wrong direction - but then its the journey that matters most, right? It does not matter how everyhting begins - but how its ends, right?

I look back at my life. I look back at other peoples life. I notice that even in the things that we believe in we also have questions - some call it doubts, some call it "reflecting our lives back". Theres no more - or at least - "just do it" attitude. We do bad, bad things - two questions still arise. One to justify our actions. One to punish.

More questions.

the more the ergggggggh.....

assalamualaikum and peace be upon you.

Yup! the 'ergh!' is getting louder and longer. Shit! I miss ramadhan. In ramadhan, doing good deeds is not as hard as in the other months. Well...thats not quite true...the fear for Gods' wrath is greater.

I really don't quit like the other months.

I don't really quit like my weak self.

Being weak is one thing - not being able to force my self to bow to God as much as I did during ramadhan is another. Really got to wake up.

Me Princess is another thing. She kept nagging me about "its the physical things that matters in life". Erghh! How I wish that I could just tell it to her face and make her undersatnd that our soul is much more important. With a good soul comes a good life.

Erghhhh!

Rabbi, forgive me for my insolance and my weakness. Give me your strength so that I be your true servant.