assalamualaikum...peace be upon you
I am in sadness and in lost...
Tonight, is the 27th night of ramadhan. It is a great night. But not to me. Tonight I have lost the battle against my nafsu. I have sinned. I have wasted the night with deeds that should not be done.
I am in sadness and in lost...
I only managed to get two rakaat of tahajjud and two rakaat of taubah. Sincerity? I don't know - don't dare say. The only thing that i knew is that I am truly ashamed and truly embarresed to ask him for anything. In my heart right now I only pray and hope that HE will forgive and guide me back to HIS path.
RABBI ANSURNI! RABBI! SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAL DHZOLIMIIN. RABBI! LA HAWALA KUWATA ILLA BILLAH HIL A'LIUL A'ZIMM.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
the happier i am...
assalamualaikum...peace be upon you
yup! i am a happy man. have no riches, no matter - have lots and lts of good friends. have no looks, no matter - have lots and lots of knowledge.
but the things that makes me hapiest -
1. Ranadhan is ending and for the first time in my 29 years of god blessed existence, i manage to fll the ends with ibadah.
2. people like you who are reading this.
love you guys and love you GOD!
yup! i am a happy man. have no riches, no matter - have lots and lts of good friends. have no looks, no matter - have lots and lots of knowledge.
but the things that makes me hapiest -
1. Ranadhan is ending and for the first time in my 29 years of god blessed existence, i manage to fll the ends with ibadah.
2. people like you who are reading this.
love you guys and love you GOD!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
the harder it is being human....
assalamualaikum...peace be upon you
the hard part of being human are -
1. to be gratefull
2. to be good
3. to repent our inner evil and sins
4. to love trough god's eyes
5. to talk to god (you usually do this tru prayers)
6. to smile
7. to pray for others (really, it ain't that hard - just give and answer salam DUH!)
8. to smile when hickups come visiting.
At the time i'm writing number eight, the princess called. Apparently, she has just finished wacthing "Kate & Leopold" on Astro. Usually, her voice would bring joy to my heart. But not tonight.
Tonight, she is really annoying.
She went on rambling about how she have always wanted a man like leopold. Heck! What am I here? A "pak pacak" in our liltle "movie". That statement really push all my "red buttons" - I mean really.
Then oddly, I heard a whisper in my blackened heart.
"Look back at what you wrote" it says.
And I did just that.
The first thought that came in my heart. Forgive me GOD. I forgot that both of us are mere human. For most of the people out there, they might say - "HUKELLEH! ITU PUN NAK KEPOH KE MAT!" (whats so great about that?). But if you think and reflect back carefully, this just show how mysterious God works. To think - at the very time I'm writing those eight item, my patience is being tested.
HE reminded me that I'm human.
LOVE YOU GOD.
the hard part of being human are -
1. to be gratefull
2. to be good
3. to repent our inner evil and sins
4. to love trough god's eyes
5. to talk to god (you usually do this tru prayers)
6. to smile
7. to pray for others (really, it ain't that hard - just give and answer salam DUH!)
8. to smile when hickups come visiting.
At the time i'm writing number eight, the princess called. Apparently, she has just finished wacthing "Kate & Leopold" on Astro. Usually, her voice would bring joy to my heart. But not tonight.
Tonight, she is really annoying.
She went on rambling about how she have always wanted a man like leopold. Heck! What am I here? A "pak pacak" in our liltle "movie". That statement really push all my "red buttons" - I mean really.
Then oddly, I heard a whisper in my blackened heart.
"Look back at what you wrote" it says.
And I did just that.
The first thought that came in my heart. Forgive me GOD. I forgot that both of us are mere human. For most of the people out there, they might say - "HUKELLEH! ITU PUN NAK KEPOH KE MAT!" (whats so great about that?). But if you think and reflect back carefully, this just show how mysterious God works. To think - at the very time I'm writing those eight item, my patience is being tested.
HE reminded me that I'm human.
LOVE YOU GOD.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
The more I wonder....
Assalamualaikum...peace be upon you...
on what defines us as a person...
Is it the clothes that we wear? The books that we read? The company that we keep? The amount of wealth that we own? What defines us as a person? To me, a person should never be defined trough the material things that we have. A person should be define by the quality of the heart and soul that we have. All trough out history, we have been shown that, the poorer the soul - the more beast-like we are. Money becomes the instrument to smoothen the acts of evil. Knowledge becomes the catalyst for hatred and war. People turns into pawns of destruction. Love becomes hate.
are we evil?
Not to me. The prophet have said that we are born as pure as a white linen. Our parents colors us. But then, our parents should not be blamed for the evil that we do. God have created us so beautifully.
HE gave us brains...
The irony of things is that - we never, or rarely use them properly. By properly, I mean to say that most of us, including me, fails to think about the things, events and nature around us. When we observe all these things - godwillingly we would become enlighten. We will improve the quality of our soul and our hearts.
It has been almost a month since my return home from HIS kingdom. I felt reborn. I have no anger nor hatred in my self. If only those whom I call friends, family and love could feel what I'm feeling now. Its liberating. No more fears. No more tears.
I love U...
I have finally find the true meanings of these three words. I know now, to really love some one is to see them trough GODs' eyes.
See them not as only flesh and blood.
See them as a task given to us to win HIS love.
Yes, the love of GOD need to be won over. But it is nothing similar to winning the love of a person. A flesh might hurt us. A flesh might betray us. A flesh might use us.
Never GOD. Never ever GOD.
I love u GOD.
on what defines us as a person...
Is it the clothes that we wear? The books that we read? The company that we keep? The amount of wealth that we own? What defines us as a person? To me, a person should never be defined trough the material things that we have. A person should be define by the quality of the heart and soul that we have. All trough out history, we have been shown that, the poorer the soul - the more beast-like we are. Money becomes the instrument to smoothen the acts of evil. Knowledge becomes the catalyst for hatred and war. People turns into pawns of destruction. Love becomes hate.
are we evil?
Not to me. The prophet have said that we are born as pure as a white linen. Our parents colors us. But then, our parents should not be blamed for the evil that we do. God have created us so beautifully.
HE gave us brains...
The irony of things is that - we never, or rarely use them properly. By properly, I mean to say that most of us, including me, fails to think about the things, events and nature around us. When we observe all these things - godwillingly we would become enlighten. We will improve the quality of our soul and our hearts.
It has been almost a month since my return home from HIS kingdom. I felt reborn. I have no anger nor hatred in my self. If only those whom I call friends, family and love could feel what I'm feeling now. Its liberating. No more fears. No more tears.
I love U...
I have finally find the true meanings of these three words. I know now, to really love some one is to see them trough GODs' eyes.
See them not as only flesh and blood.
See them as a task given to us to win HIS love.
Yes, the love of GOD need to be won over. But it is nothing similar to winning the love of a person. A flesh might hurt us. A flesh might betray us. A flesh might use us.
Never GOD. Never ever GOD.
I love u GOD.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Just read...
Assalamualaikum...
Alhamdullilah...that's all I can say. You see, I'm the rotten type. But being as rotten as I am, HE never failed me in any whatsoever sense at all. HE always give and give and give.
To prove it...
Even in this holy month, I have marred my existance with acts of defiance - don't ask me to elaborate, its for me to know. But never have HE made my life hard. Everything have always been smooth. No hickups. Not like the life I have before I went to HIS kingdom.
Odd?
No lah. One thing I was thought by HIM when I was in HIS kingdom was to always, always accept the fact that I am a mere human. I'll my mistakes, I'll sinned. But then, in being human, HE has also remind and thought me to never give up faith in HIS benevolence and love. The more sins I make, the more I have to ask for HIS forgiveness. But that doesn't warrants me to sinned - its just that I have to accept the fact that I'm human. It means that to NEVER - and I do mean NEVER - to give up on HIS grace that one day - one beautiful fine day - I'll truly be HIS servant. One who would repent sins. One who would really bow to HIM.
ALHAMDULILLAH...that's all I can say.
Alhamdullilah...that's all I can say. You see, I'm the rotten type. But being as rotten as I am, HE never failed me in any whatsoever sense at all. HE always give and give and give.
To prove it...
Even in this holy month, I have marred my existance with acts of defiance - don't ask me to elaborate, its for me to know. But never have HE made my life hard. Everything have always been smooth. No hickups. Not like the life I have before I went to HIS kingdom.
Odd?
No lah. One thing I was thought by HIM when I was in HIS kingdom was to always, always accept the fact that I am a mere human. I'll my mistakes, I'll sinned. But then, in being human, HE has also remind and thought me to never give up faith in HIS benevolence and love. The more sins I make, the more I have to ask for HIS forgiveness. But that doesn't warrants me to sinned - its just that I have to accept the fact that I'm human. It means that to NEVER - and I do mean NEVER - to give up on HIS grace that one day - one beautiful fine day - I'll truly be HIS servant. One who would repent sins. One who would really bow to HIM.
ALHAMDULILLAH...that's all I can say.
So does my faith...
Assalamualaikum...
I am so very happy. Many praise to the Almighty. No sales made last week but for some odd reasons - it worries me not. The Princess is quit okay, my Rulers are very okay, the Fresh Prince is still far - but alll in all, everything is really okay.
Tonight is the 21st night of Ramadhan.
Alhamdulliah, GOD still gave me strength to stay up. By His will, I will qiyam. I hope that I'll do it with such perfection that he will be pleased with me.
Love you GOD.
I am so very happy. Many praise to the Almighty. No sales made last week but for some odd reasons - it worries me not. The Princess is quit okay, my Rulers are very okay, the Fresh Prince is still far - but alll in all, everything is really okay.
Tonight is the 21st night of Ramadhan.
Alhamdulliah, GOD still gave me strength to stay up. By His will, I will qiyam. I hope that I'll do it with such perfection that he will be pleased with me.
Love you GOD.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Saya batu kepala atas ada makin busar laa...
Assalamualaikum...
The title says it all...I have been tested the past whole week. God have given me mucho mucho grande - but me being me - ever hard headed, just don't wanna bow to him. Ye la, ape ke salahnye gue tinduk syukur kat die ye tak?
Felt really ashamed and stupid...
HE invited me to HIS kingdom, gave me lots and lots of thingy. To be gratefull? Aiya caramba!! More sins this kid is doing. What is going to happen to me? At the time I'm jotting this entry the azan is being called, me gilfriend sent a sms - and finally a speck of gratefullness does touch my heart...
Thank you GOD.
The title says it all...I have been tested the past whole week. God have given me mucho mucho grande - but me being me - ever hard headed, just don't wanna bow to him. Ye la, ape ke salahnye gue tinduk syukur kat die ye tak?
Felt really ashamed and stupid...
HE invited me to HIS kingdom, gave me lots and lots of thingy. To be gratefull? Aiya caramba!! More sins this kid is doing. What is going to happen to me? At the time I'm jotting this entry the azan is being called, me gilfriend sent a sms - and finally a speck of gratefullness does touch my heart...
Thank you GOD.
Friday, October 21, 2005
So does the light...
Assalamualaikum.
Hmmm...Here's the thing, previously, I did wrote something about my sleeping pattern. I do feel, during the time I wrote about it "rugi gilest" in terms of the ibadah and what nots that could be done during the time I'm in dreamland. So yesterday and today I did an experiment on myself.
Yesterday, like the days before in this Ramadhan, I did not sleep for the whole night. Usually, whenever I did this, I'll spend my time watching t.v or surfing the net, but not this time. I spend the night reciting the quran - something that has been ages I do, perform the tahajjud (you could do it before you sleep, there's a hadith on it), taubah, tasbih, hajat and istikarah. Stay awake till after subuh. Recite 100 times astaghfirullah, solawat, zikir fatimah and 1000 times the Bismillah and Lahawala kuwatailla billah (for those who wonder, it'll only took you 15 - 30 minutes of your life to do) then I slept for two hours of very-deep-sleep. I woke up, feeling realllllllllllllly refreshed, clear-headed, confident and every single thing in my life went reallllllllllllly smooth. No hickups, no worries, no fear and no doubts.
Today, I repeated the no sleep thing, the five solah minus the quran and the zikir. Went to sleep half an hour before Subuh (did ask my mom to wake me for subuh - she did, only thing is I did not wake up)- end up sleeping through the whole day minus all the great things I felt the day before. Bummer!
The past two days left me with one resolution - I vowed, no matter what happen, I will do the former from this day onwards to the day GOD take my ability to do so.
GOD, you are GREAT!
Hmmm...Here's the thing, previously, I did wrote something about my sleeping pattern. I do feel, during the time I wrote about it "rugi gilest" in terms of the ibadah and what nots that could be done during the time I'm in dreamland. So yesterday and today I did an experiment on myself.
Yesterday, like the days before in this Ramadhan, I did not sleep for the whole night. Usually, whenever I did this, I'll spend my time watching t.v or surfing the net, but not this time. I spend the night reciting the quran - something that has been ages I do, perform the tahajjud (you could do it before you sleep, there's a hadith on it), taubah, tasbih, hajat and istikarah. Stay awake till after subuh. Recite 100 times astaghfirullah, solawat, zikir fatimah and 1000 times the Bismillah and Lahawala kuwatailla billah (for those who wonder, it'll only took you 15 - 30 minutes of your life to do) then I slept for two hours of very-deep-sleep. I woke up, feeling realllllllllllllly refreshed, clear-headed, confident and every single thing in my life went reallllllllllllly smooth. No hickups, no worries, no fear and no doubts.
Today, I repeated the no sleep thing, the five solah minus the quran and the zikir. Went to sleep half an hour before Subuh (did ask my mom to wake me for subuh - she did, only thing is I did not wake up)- end up sleeping through the whole day minus all the great things I felt the day before. Bummer!
The past two days left me with one resolution - I vowed, no matter what happen, I will do the former from this day onwards to the day GOD take my ability to do so.
GOD, you are GREAT!
Sunday, October 16, 2005
so does my sleeping time
Erggggh! Don't you just hate it when every time before you go to slep at night, you made all the plans you wanna do tomorrow only to discover the next morning all your eyes can do is shut themselves tight? Errrgh! Just hate it so very much.
I read in a few blogs before, these wonderfull faceless people have laid plans to do before they died. I found it hard for me to make plans - sebelum kiok mahu pun untuk sejam yang akan datang. Whenever I make plans, something would always comes up screwing them from even taking place. Its easier for me to do themon adhoc basis.
But one thing that I recently learnt, whatever I planned or not planned, I have to start my day with two rakaat of prayers. Things would go mysteriously well.
No offense to those of different set of believe, I thank God I'm a muslim. Not a good one, but, Godwillingly one day I'll be a good one.
Note to all flesh and blood out there, whatever diety that you believe in, always - and I mean always bow yourselves to that diety...you'll be amazed of the wonders it brings.
Hope I won't waste another day sleeping.
I read in a few blogs before, these wonderfull faceless people have laid plans to do before they died. I found it hard for me to make plans - sebelum kiok mahu pun untuk sejam yang akan datang. Whenever I make plans, something would always comes up screwing them from even taking place. Its easier for me to do themon adhoc basis.
But one thing that I recently learnt, whatever I planned or not planned, I have to start my day with two rakaat of prayers. Things would go mysteriously well.
No offense to those of different set of believe, I thank God I'm a muslim. Not a good one, but, Godwillingly one day I'll be a good one.
Note to all flesh and blood out there, whatever diety that you believe in, always - and I mean always bow yourselves to that diety...you'll be amazed of the wonders it brings.
Hope I won't waste another day sleeping.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
goyang iman gue...
last nite...jamaah tarawikh
this morning semayang malam...
pas sahur, tak tulung mak kemas...i'm no good
posa...tido memanjang
malam tenet...
other people book their places in haven...me, well i think i've confirm a place in hell. this gotta to stop...how? beats me...too weak inside.
GOD, if you are listening, save me.
this morning semayang malam...
pas sahur, tak tulung mak kemas...i'm no good
posa...tido memanjang
malam tenet...
other people book their places in haven...me, well i think i've confirm a place in hell. this gotta to stop...how? beats me...too weak inside.
GOD, if you are listening, save me.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
the lil' boy in me runs harder...
Back to me home place. The place where i was born, the place where i grew up, the place where i learned, the place where i fell in love and got heart broken, the place where i sinned and saint. When to a place where serinity is not just a mere word - a place where it is lived. I thought in my blackened heart, only in that place a man can find peace.
I was wrong.
My eyes were opened for the very first time. I saw and i learned that sanctuary lies not in the land we go nor in the land we live, but it is in the heart that we care for. I was thought and my belives were strengthen not to give up hope but to hold it tight.
I felt reborn.
No more anger at my self. No more dissappoinments towards the flesh. Only gratefullness. Only love.
Only hope.
I was wrong.
My eyes were opened for the very first time. I saw and i learned that sanctuary lies not in the land we go nor in the land we live, but it is in the heart that we care for. I was thought and my belives were strengthen not to give up hope but to hold it tight.
I felt reborn.
No more anger at my self. No more dissappoinments towards the flesh. Only gratefullness. Only love.
Only hope.