so does my confusions...

ever wonder how a person seem to be able to tell when you are sad even when that person is million mile away?

ever wonder how a person could love you in one day and hate you forever?

ever wonder how much intoxicating money is to people?

hmmmm...i never stop wondering.

why is it hard to love god?

why is it hard to accept others as a human being?

why is it we like to use other rather than helping each other?

why......

my soul is getting weaker...

It has been ten days now since i started being jobless...

I'm sitting at home listening to R Kelly's you save me. Funny how we always now that god is always out there showering us with his grace, but then, that's just it - we knew but somehow we seem to be not feeling it. How weak we are as human. In times of laughter, we forget HIM. In time of sadness we blame HIM.

You save me...

That song by R Kelly brings tears to my eyes...yes it's a Christian song, I know. But for me that song has always reminded how the Rabbul Jalil has always kept me save, give me my peace, provide me love and happiness ... giving me SAKINAH. But I never grace, never bowed my head with sincerity. I blackened my heart with sins. I weakened my soul with lust.

Save me...

SO DOES THE RAGE IN ME

I scrap the earlier entries. Doesn't feel like me. Just like the life I'm living right now.

Doesn't feel like my life.

I hate everything in my life right now. Day in, day out, eyes open, eyes shut, walk in, walk out - every single fucking thing in my life is for others. I work to give others pride, comfortability and security. I love so that others would felt love. I kept my silence so that others would have an ear to listen to their fucking problems, nags and only god knows what else. I sleep so that I could wake up tomorrow to give others happiness. I held back my tears so that others could shed their fucking tears - and I will be the wiping them. I'm being sincere so that others would have a taste of sincerity. I give so that others get. I bow so that others can held their fucking heads up. I gave up my dreams so others can have their fucking dreams.

For what? What do I get?

Hmmmm...What do I get? Love with conditions. Being look down at. Being screwed. Being nagged. Being blame. Having only the fucking wall to hear my sorrows, my fear, my worries. Being kick when I'm down. Being arm-twisted. Being told over, and over, and over again "Sayang (or anak, or kawan, or cinta) kami buat semua ni sebab kami sayang kat awak" ... yeah right. This is what you called love?

I am fucking tired of everything and everyone right now.

Really tired.

Mebbe its a blessing, mebbe it's a curse. I don't know. I want to know. I'm tired of having sleepless night thinking about others. I'm sick and tired of not being able to feel the so called love that others claimed to have for me. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of crying in the shadows. I'm tired.

Is it hard?

Is it that hard to accept me for who I am? Is it hard to let me grow in my own time? Is it hard to love me unconditionally? Is it hard to make me smile without asking anything in return?

I hate everyone and everything right now...